Saturday, September 25, 2010

Some days....

 I know that I haven't been in all week, and for that I apologize....being sick sucks...just sayin.....

I know that it is Saturday and that I am supposed to be writing some wonderful words about our weekend or some such thing. However, I have just got to get something off my chest today. 

So, here it goes....

There are some days (today being one of them, if you hadn't guessed that already) that it takes EVERYTHING i have not to look up toward the heavens and ask God.....WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING GIVING ME CHILDREN!!????!!!....

Some days I get so frustrated, then I deal with things with an even greater lack of effectiveness, more frustration, louder voice, anger, and so on til we hit a peak.....then.....

I feel like a complete failure as a Mom...again.

Why is it that I can't get my boys to understand that if they don't want to clean up a huge mess....then don't make one....

If you want to have treats because you were good.....then be good....

If you don't want mom to lose her as she asks...THE FIRST TIME.....alright even the second time, but come on.....

I always thought that I was good with kids.  I always thought that I would be a good mom. 

I don't feel that way often anymore.  I get disappointed in myself and worry that my severe lacking in the "AWESOME MOM" department is really going to affect them adversely.  As it is, my Grade Two guy hates to read, and struggles with staying on task at school. 

I worry.

I love my boys desperately, with all of my heart.  I can only pray that that love can make up for so many other shortcomings of this "Struggling to be a Good"  Mom.

Do you ever feel like this?

Monday, September 20, 2010

Date Night

I don't know about you,
but around here,
its hard to get some
 Mommy Alone time.
It is also very hard to get some
Mommy and Daddy Alone

Yesterday my hubby and I had a social afternoon for his BNI group to go to.
Thankfully my awesome sister was willing to babysit.
What was even more awesome was that she was
willing to watch them not only for the afternoon of the social,
but also for the evening!
This meant hubby and I could enjoy an actual
I'm not exactly sure when the last time we had the opportunity to do that was.
They are far too few and far between.
We had a lovely time at the social, and enjoyed a really nice
chat with another couple.
We actually found out during the course of conversation
that her and I share the same birth month and year.
She is only 13 days older than I am.
It was fun to meet and put faces to some of the people
hubby talks about.

The best part though was getting to go and have dinner
no noisy kids, no needing to cut anybody's meal,
no making sure Isaac wasn't hoovering his food,
no 'eat your dinner please'
no mess.
Just us!
Funny thing is we picked a place to eat that was
REALLY noisy.
But the food was great.
I also had my first 'drink' in
probably more than 4 years.
I just don't drink...for no other reason than
most of it I just don't like the taste of, so why waste the money.
I do like nice fruity, frothy stuff.
Yup, totally girlie drinks.
I definitely enjoyed my
Strawberry Daiquiri.
Then we were off to a movie.
There really wasn't much playing at the theatre we went to
that we wanted to see.
We decided on The Expendables.
Who wouldn't love a cast like that?
Sylvester Stallone,
Jason (yummy) Statham,
Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren,
Mickey Rourke,
Eric Roberts, Steve Austin
Terry Crews,
Cameos by
Bruce Willis and
Arnold Schwartzeneggar
Is it violent?  Yup!
Was it funny? Yup!
Did we enjoy it?  Yup!
It was nice to sit in that theatre,
have my hubby holding my hand,
not have to think about, or listen for the kids.
Even just for a few hours it is a welcomed break!

So, I have to say a HUGE thankyou to my big sister.
Love you LOADS and LOADS.

To my Hubby,
I love you more and more each day.
Thankyou for a really great day.
All my love.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Why Do We Fall

Today's quote is from the movie Batman Begins.  I chose to use this one for today's inspiration/motivation because of a comment left yesterday...thanks Melissa.

It has been said like this.....
   Why do we fall?

So we can pick ourselves up again.

The actual quote is......

Why do we fall?

So that we may LEARN to pick ourselves up again.

I think that is very important part to the message!  Every time we fall, we learn more about whatever it is we are trying to do.  With my weightloss journey, every time I "fall", I learn more about what I am doing that works, doesn't work, the places I struggle, what things are triggers for me, etc, etc. 

The more I can learn with each time I fall, hopefully the less I will have to fall. 

So, as long as I make sure to learn something from each time I do fall, then it has not been for nothing.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

For The Third Time

Thursday is here and time for me to come clean about my journey.

I am currently in a funk. I have lost and gained the same 5lbs over and over. I believe this is now my third time around. With my loss yesterday of .4lbs I am back to 24lbs lost (31.2lbs from my heaviest), and seem to be struggling AGAIN!

I was hoping to really make a fresh start with the boys getting back to school and only having one left at home. But, that hasn't happened AT ALL!! We are now coming up to the end of the 2nd week, and where am I? Tired...really tired....and eating!

The first week was screwy with Gabe going on Tuesday, but Zach not going til Thursday. This week Gabe was home sick Tuesday, went for half the day wednesday, now Isaac is sick too. Tomorrow is friday and all I want to do is sleep! I am waiting for Zach to get it too which should make for a fun weekend.

Everyday I just keep failing to pull myself back together and get back on track. I don't want to spiral out of control. I don't want to gain anything more back. I don't want to have to lose this same stupid 5 pounds again.

So i ask you.....what do you do when you feel like you are at the end of your rope? When life just seems to be a little too much for the moment and your good old friend FOOD is taunting you every moment, and you are giving in more than you are fighting it. How do you regain control?

Today is BLOG HOP day.

blog hop!

So come on along!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Slow and Steady

Today our topic at my WW meeting was this......

Why don't we appreciate?

The conversation was about what we say to ourselves when the loss on the scale for a particular week is only .2 or so.  Do you talk negatively, berating yourself for lack of effort or some other reason for the small loss, or do you say something like...hey, it's down!

Why is it that we would never look at a friend or someone else trying to lose weight and get on their case for such a loss.  We would congratulate them for even the smallest amount.  So why, when it comes to our own weigh ins do we criticize ourselves when we don't deem the loss as substantial enough.

For me I think its because I too often focus on my "big" picture.  I have well over 100 pounds left to lose, and to weigh in and be down .4lbs (as I was today) can be frustrating, demoralizing, disheartening etc.  That is when I need to change my focus. 

Stop thinking about the big numbers and start concentrating on only the next 5lbs(or whatever you choose).  Take the pressure off your weigh ins.  Every .2, .6, or whatever all adds up to big eventually.

As Aesop said, "slow and steady wins the race".  As long as we continue to move forward, each little piece is getting you closer to your goal.  Stay the course and you will be successful.

p.s.......took Gabe to the dr. today and yup, Strep throat!  Now, my 1 year old is fighting a fever.  Looks like I am probably heading back to the doctor tomorrow for him.  I'm praying that nobody else gets it!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Fever and Torture

Some days all I wish for is a whole day to sleep with NO interruptions.  With 3 small kids, a full nights sleep is something of the past.  There are some nights that are worse than others though.  Last night was one of them.  I didn't get to bed until midnight, and then from 2am to 6:30am was up 7 times with various children.  Needless to say I am dragging my butt today.

Anyway,  since its Tuesday and Tuesdays are supposed to be tales of my three boys, I will tell you about there rest of my morning.  My oldest (who had been up the most through the night) was running a fever....mild, but still there.  That was his only symptom, and I was trying to decide whether or not to send him to school. (It is only the 6th day of school after all, how can we have a sick day already).  My middle son who is now in JK and has only been going to school on the bus for 3 days had a meltdown at the thought of his brother not going to school with him.

I had decided to send Gabe to school, and hope for the best, but as the morning progressed, and the lethargy set in, I knew he wasn't going to have a good day if I sent him.  So, we broke the news to Zach that he was going to go by himself today. 

Well, you would have thought that I was torturing this poor kid.  I fought with him to get his shoes on.  Fought with him to get his sweater on.  The whole time he is wailing.  I kept trying to reassure him that everything would be fine and he'd have a great day, just like the last 3, but he was having none of it.

We got outside to head down the driveway to meet the bus and he grab onto the railing at our stairs....still wailing.  I pulled him off and kept heading for the bus.  We started down the driveway (long country driveway) and the whole way he wailed.  He told me he was going to throw up.  He said he hated school.  He said he would stay in his bed (lol....this came out because I had told Gabe if he was staying home he would be in his bed, not watching tv or playing games).  Still we pressed on.  Arriving at our pick up spot he is STILL wailing, pleading with me not to send him. 

The bus arrives and I can see the drivers face as she pulls in.  She can already tell there is an issue with him.  She opens the door, I tell her Gabe is sick and not going and that's why Zach is having a fit.  (She is wonderful!!!)  She looked at me, said OK, just give him to me.  I literally had to lift him up the stairs into the bus.  He was fighting with all he had to not get on.  She grabbed a hold of him and I backed out of the doors.  She held on to him while she closed the doors, and promised to call when they got to school.  As she backed up he was in the window and did wave goodbye to me.  The windows are tinted so I couldn't tell if he was still crying (which is probably a good thing).

I did my usual wave and watch the bus head back out our driveway and down the street and as I turned to come back to the house, I burst into tears.  That was SOOOOOO much harder than the first day of school had been.  I knew that I had to make him go otherwise we would have the same problem the rest of the year.  He needed to figure out that he can do it on his own without his brother.  I KNOW all of that, but it hurt so bad to see him that upset with me.  I felt like a horrible Mom.

I did chat with the bus driver and she said he was fine within about 5 minutes.  She reminded me that it is always so much harder on the Mom's, but you MUST do it or you create an even bigger problem the next time.

None the less, It was an awful feeling and I can't wait for him to get off the bus so I can hug him and tell him how much I love him.

Monday, September 13, 2010

A New Schedule. A New Routine

It's Monday!  This is the start of my first week with my "new" schedule!  I have two boys in school fulltime now, so it's just me and Isaac once we get them onto the bus at 8:15am and off again at 3:45ish.

As I type this Isaac is taking his morning nap.  I have dishes done, laundry on the line, another load in the washing machine, boys beds are made and room is straightened up (that will be part of THEIR new routine starting tomorrow).  Still have lots to do, but ready to have the time to myself to do it now.

I don't know about you, but I have a list that is longer than my arm of stuff that I have been meaning to get done, but with 3 kids at home for the summer, just never seemed to find the time.  I am hoping to get that list tackled quickly, because a lot of it needs to be done before the snow flies.

Things like (in no particular order)...
* sand and repaint a dresser
* sand and repaint two old school desks
* get all of the flowerbeds cleaned out and ready for winter
* organize the sunroom/porch
* organize the playroom
* organize my Avon business and GET SELLING!!
* finish unpacking the stuff still left in Isaac's room (yes we moved a year ago and I still have unpacking to do!)
* get back to a regular exercise routine
* meal plan!
* paint the boys room
* clean and organize the garage
* and the list goes on.....

Here's hoping to getting this week off to a great new start!
What things do you have on your list?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

September 11, 2001.....I remember.

What do you choose to remember? Everyone seems to be asking today if you remember where you were when you heard of the attacks of September 11th. Do I remember? Yes, but what else do you remember?

There was so much devastation, destruction and death that day, but there was also amazing heroism, selflessness, love, hope and miracles. It is a day that touched everyone is some way. We will be forever changed, the world will be forever changed.

I prayed alot that day and the days following it. I prayed for those who died, those who survived, those left behind, those who gave their lives to save others, those who committed these horrible acts, for my family. I thanked God that I wasn't there, that my family wasn't there, for all those that were saved, for all of those He took home that day.

Today, I pray and thank God for all those things again. I hugged my children close and was thankful that they had yet to be born on that fateful day. I thought about what I will say to them in a few years when this anniversary comes around again and they are old enough to know about it and ask questions. I pray that I will have intellegent, heartfelt answers for them.

There are times when I question the value of progress. We have made such advances in medicine, architecture, science, technology, education, and so on, but we have also made advances in weaponry, warfare, and terror.

What advances have we made since that day in 2001? Are they good? Are they bad? Are they making things better or worse? What kind of things will be changed forever because of that day? What does the future hold?

Friday, September 10, 2010

What Would You Have Been Like?

He would have been 14 today.

On this day in 1996 my brother and sister-in-law (as well as the rest of our family) faced a tragedy that still breaks my heart today.

Joshua Robert Wiens was due to make his much anticipated entrance into the world right around my brother's birthday on the 8th.  What a present that would have been.  Unfortunately this precious baby would never take his first breath.  What should have been the celebration of the birth of this first born son, first grandson, first great-grandson, instead became the painful news of his passing.

I can still remember standing at the gravesite looking at this tiny white coffin and thinking about how unfair this was.  Across the cemetery was another funeral of some man I didn't know, but I found myself looking at the regular sized casket, and the very large group of family and friends that had gathered for his funeral.  They were remembering the life of this gentleman, and from the number of people I would venture to say it had been a good long life.  But, here we were, our small group of maybe 20, about to say good bye to this little boy we never even got to say hello to. 

I remember hugging my sister-in-law and feeling so helpless.  Feeling her sob, and knowing there was nothing I could say or do that could make any of this make sense, or hurt any less.  I remember how sorry I felt for my brother, but how proud I was of how he handled everything, and how even with his own pain, he felt sorry for the doctor who had delivered Joshua because she had never lost a delivery.  What an awesome guy. 

Joshua would have been 14 today.  I would have loved to meet him.  I wonder what he would have been like?  My brother was also blessed with two more sons, and I'm sure that Joshua would have been alot like them.  Probably with the same reddish brown hair and brown eyes.  Would he have liked hockey as much as his dad and brothers do?  Would he like school?  ummmm, not sure many 14 year old boys like school.  Would he have a girlfriend?  LOL, probably not if his Mom had anything to say about it.  Would he like to sing?  Would he be an athlete or a book worm?

I imagine he would have been a pretty cool kid. 

As I sit here tonight with tears streaming down my face, I am looking back on it as a Mom. I have been blessed with 3 beautiful boys of my own, and can't for a moment imagine life without them. I remember the fear I felt as we waited for each one of them to arrive safely.  Our last son was born just over a year ago, and my husband made the suggestion to remember Joshua in a special way.  So, our third (and final!!) son's name became Isaac Joshua. 

Dear Nephew,
Even though I never got to meet you, you will always have a special place in my heart.
Love Auntie Jess

p.s I have had a little trouble writing this post tonight, and might come back to fix it a little.